Wednesday, August 24, 2011
BLOG UNDER RECONSTRUCTION
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Friday, July 23, 2010
"Passive Aggressive Partners"
"I always considered myself passive aggressive until I met one much more so than myself. Iam a work in progress at all times, but I'm not sure how to deal with someone else that is so passive aggressive. Especially since my way of dealing with things is being passive aggressive. Any thoughts? Thanks :-)"
This is a great question and full of opportunity to appreciate your growth and learn several lessons. It sounds like since you have "met one more so than" yourself, you can get a new perspective on your own thinking about you. It's as if you are seeing yourself in a better light than you thought and may be having sharper awarenesses now that you are looking face to face in the mirror. You are positioned for major rapid growth. Which also means you are in position to shed whatever "passive agressive" ways no longer serves you.
The fact that you are "a work in progress at all times" says that you are open to growth and that you are working to improve yourself, heal and evolve. This is very promising and suggests that you are actually up to this major growth stimulas.
Take some deep breaths and allow yourself to experience this as a really great opportunity for your development. Really sit with this and take as much time as you need to bring this about inside yourself. This is a sufficient vantage point from which to proceed.
You can also consider adding in the following: 1) Thank your higher smartness for bringing your self to this challenging situation. 2) See the person you are dealing with as a teacher you waited on a long line to learn from.
So, "how best to deal ... " It takes two to tango and only one to stop ... that's you :-). It's time to replace any passive aggressive ways with constructive communicating.
Here are some tips given at About.com in an article "Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse" by Cathy Meyer: (italics are mine)
*Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not his/her bad behaviors.
(No pointing fingers. Become conversant in your feelings, use your courage to articulate clearly. Refrain from blaming. Learn to express your anger constructively. Grow through and out of any fear of dependency. Grow through and out of any fear of intimacy. Let go of any victim consciousness. Get help to do this, if need be.)
*Don't attack his/her character.
*Make sure you have privacy.
*Confront (carefront) him/her about one behavior at a time, don't bring up everything at once.
*If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation, allow them to do it with dignity.
*Have a time limit, confrontation (carefrontation) should not stretch on indefinitely.
*If he/she tries to turn the table on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings.
*Be sure he/she has heard you say that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better.
(You may feel like you want to control them and this is another place for your personal work.)
The above tips will also help you be kind to yourself ... which is always a good practice. You are already on the path of accelerated development or you wouldn't have raised the question the way you did. See if you can bring up your inner compassion for yourself and the person in the process.
This is a great question and full of opportunity to appreciate your growth and learn several lessons. It sounds like since you have "met one more so than" yourself, you can get a new perspective on your own thinking about you. It's as if you are seeing yourself in a better light than you thought and may be having sharper awarenesses now that you are looking face to face in the mirror. You are positioned for major rapid growth. Which also means you are in position to shed whatever "passive agressive" ways no longer serves you.
The fact that you are "a work in progress at all times" says that you are open to growth and that you are working to improve yourself, heal and evolve. This is very promising and suggests that you are actually up to this major growth stimulas.
Take some deep breaths and allow yourself to experience this as a really great opportunity for your development. Really sit with this and take as much time as you need to bring this about inside yourself. This is a sufficient vantage point from which to proceed.
You can also consider adding in the following: 1) Thank your higher smartness for bringing your self to this challenging situation. 2) See the person you are dealing with as a teacher you waited on a long line to learn from.
So, "how best to deal ... " It takes two to tango and only one to stop ... that's you :-). It's time to replace any passive aggressive ways with constructive communicating.
Here are some tips given at About.com in an article "Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse" by Cathy Meyer: (italics are mine)
*Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not his/her bad behaviors.
(No pointing fingers. Become conversant in your feelings, use your courage to articulate clearly. Refrain from blaming. Learn to express your anger constructively. Grow through and out of any fear of dependency. Grow through and out of any fear of intimacy. Let go of any victim consciousness. Get help to do this, if need be.)
*Don't attack his/her character.
*Make sure you have privacy.
*Confront (carefront) him/her about one behavior at a time, don't bring up everything at once.
*If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation, allow them to do it with dignity.
*Have a time limit, confrontation (carefrontation) should not stretch on indefinitely.
*If he/she tries to turn the table on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings.
*Be sure he/she has heard you say that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better.
(You may feel like you want to control them and this is another place for your personal work.)
The above tips will also help you be kind to yourself ... which is always a good practice. You are already on the path of accelerated development or you wouldn't have raised the question the way you did. See if you can bring up your inner compassion for yourself and the person in the process.
Monday, July 12, 2010
I Feel Hurt and Angry
How can I learn to recognize what my needs are before I get hurt and angry?"
To raise this question means that you are well on your way to accomplishing this goal for yourself. It shows that you know you have needs and you know it is benefiting you to recognize them as early as you can. Having as much awareness as possible enables you to see more choices of behaviors to select when dealing with others and when making decisions.
The learning you want is a process and the step you are up to is to notice how you truly feel during an interaction or during decision making. Did you make an appointment with someone that you really don't want to be with? Did you choose to talk with/listen to a "friend" when you really didn't feel like it? Do you feel trapped in doing things for others in ways that don't feel good to you? Be not afraid to discover your true inner feelings ... notice if you have judgements against your true feelings. There's something healthy to do each step of the way in response to what you find in your self discovery. You can see this is like a coil that needs to be uncurled.
By the way, "hurt and angry" are flavors of feelings that have a bonafide place in your experience. They can be viewed as clues to find your true sense inside. A hurt that you feel today, is really an old feeling that is triggered in today's instance. The angering needs to be looked at with more discernment... look to find out more about it. See it's connection to angering you've felt at other times in your life. That early anger has been compounded by not expressing it clearly and with personal ownership. Most of us have associated anger and blame since we were very young and that's become a self limiting habit. Focusing our angering upon others distracts us from seeing our own energy and ownership of our very own feeling. By the way, the other person is not the cause but the trigger of our own inner angering. Once our inner anger is owned and expressed with ownership (not blame) it's not a hurtful thing.
As you allow yourself to recognize your feelings, you can see more clearly the healthy emotional boundary between you and others. You'll get a clearer sense of when to say "no thank you" to the mild or strong invitations (or demands) you feel to ditch yourself in favor of others wants.
You are the sole authority over you ...
There is no one who has authority over you ...
You are the only one responsible for caring for your mental and physical vehicles (bodies) ... if you don't take care of them ... they go into ill repair ...
You are wonderfully on the right track, keep going ...
To raise this question means that you are well on your way to accomplishing this goal for yourself. It shows that you know you have needs and you know it is benefiting you to recognize them as early as you can. Having as much awareness as possible enables you to see more choices of behaviors to select when dealing with others and when making decisions.
The learning you want is a process and the step you are up to is to notice how you truly feel during an interaction or during decision making. Did you make an appointment with someone that you really don't want to be with? Did you choose to talk with/listen to a "friend" when you really didn't feel like it? Do you feel trapped in doing things for others in ways that don't feel good to you? Be not afraid to discover your true inner feelings ... notice if you have judgements against your true feelings. There's something healthy to do each step of the way in response to what you find in your self discovery. You can see this is like a coil that needs to be uncurled.
By the way, "hurt and angry" are flavors of feelings that have a bonafide place in your experience. They can be viewed as clues to find your true sense inside. A hurt that you feel today, is really an old feeling that is triggered in today's instance. The angering needs to be looked at with more discernment... look to find out more about it. See it's connection to angering you've felt at other times in your life. That early anger has been compounded by not expressing it clearly and with personal ownership. Most of us have associated anger and blame since we were very young and that's become a self limiting habit. Focusing our angering upon others distracts us from seeing our own energy and ownership of our very own feeling. By the way, the other person is not the cause but the trigger of our own inner angering. Once our inner anger is owned and expressed with ownership (not blame) it's not a hurtful thing.
As you allow yourself to recognize your feelings, you can see more clearly the healthy emotional boundary between you and others. You'll get a clearer sense of when to say "no thank you" to the mild or strong invitations (or demands) you feel to ditch yourself in favor of others wants.
You are the sole authority over you ...
There is no one who has authority over you ...
You are the only one responsible for caring for your mental and physical vehicles (bodies) ... if you don't take care of them ... they go into ill repair ...
You are wonderfully on the right track, keep going ...
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